"Life is a tight rope with a safety net."
America's Children Grieve

by Ken Scroggs LCSW, LPC, LMFT, CEAP

On September 11, 2001 the World Trade Towers and the Pentagon received a terrorist attack that shocked the world. While we are awaiting the extent of this disaster and our reactions, we know there are important things we can do and say to reassure our children. This day and your responses are likely to be remembered for many years to come, perhaps a lifetime. Parents will be comforting their children and the following information may provide additional help.

It helps to explain the stages of grief by drawing a picture called “ the tight rope “. These stages begin with denial and end with acceptance. The middle stages are in the “pit”, and these are sadness, anger (and blaming) and confusion (fear). Each person goes through the pit in their own way revisiting each feeling until they reach acceptance. As parents we want to be ahead of our children leading the way. When you are overwhelmed with your own grief, get help from other adults and older children. Please notice that under the pit there is a safety net that represents the need to receive reassurance from our family and friends. In this way we find our path to acceptance, hope and a meaningful future.

Life is a tight rope. We would all like to think that our lives are not so vulnerable. It is appropriate to reassure our children that the world in which we live is safe. A child learns early to stop, look and listen when crossing the street. They can also conceptualize that life is like a tightrope walker that always has a safety net to catch him or her if they might fall. Our safety net during a crisis is our family and friends, our familiar surroundings and routines. In cases of national emergencies like the one we are now experiencing, the safety net is even more important to revisit for reassurance.

Don’t lose your cool. This is the time to focus on your children and help them to express their feelings. Children easily pick up on your fears and anxieties so your feelings need to be secondary at this time. Though you have every right to feel anger and want to blame someone, remember younger children are not mature enough to put this reaction in perspective. It is more important to support and nurture younger children, rather than trying to explain to them why there is such hate and violence in the world. Also, it is not the time to express “out of control” feelings or to be on a hair trigger of revenge.

Safe and Secure. Children want to be reassured that they are safe at home, at school and that parents, teacher as well as other adults can act responsibly and intelligently. Tell them such things in your own words and let them ask questions. It is important for them to do the talking and for you to be a good listener. Usually, the person doing the most talking may receive the most help.

Respond on the Child’s level. Children at different ages can handle different amounts of information and emotion. Some ideas about age appropriate communication with children are offered below. You know your children and you can best decide what information will be most helpful in dealing with them.

Preschool children are concrete in their thinking and therefore they do not abstract well. They do not need to know what happened in great detail and they do not need to be repeatedly exposed to multiple television replays. Reassure them that they are safe at home and at school and that there are adults in control. If a loved one has died, it is important for them to see you experience your feelings. It is okay to cry. It is also good for them to see you regain your control and composure after a certain time. Don’t allow a pattern to develop where a role reversal occurs with the child consoling you much of the time. It is normal to expect temporary nightmares and sleep loss as well as a change in appetite either increasing or decreasing. We must teach our children to ask for attention easily and directly instead of their saying, “I have a tummy ache” to get attention.

Elementary children may know about the news reports, but repeated exposure to pictures of destruction and death is not a good idea. Teaching them more feeling words beyond “sad, mad and glad” will help them to better describe their emotions. This is one of the most important things parents and teachers can do. When children can put into words the expression of their feelings, they become empowered and thereafter are never forced into aloneness or isolation with their grief. Grief is one problem. Why complicate it with the additional feelings of isolation that often lead to depression. In addition to sharing feelings, they are old enough to discuss people making decisions and the consequences to such. Also this is an excellent time to teach restraint. To think before you act or “look before you leap”.

Middle school children may handle all the things discussed above about responsible adults being in control, the importance of feelings, that people make bad choices and that there will be consequences. Also, they are old enough to be taught about grief, anger, and the tendency to blame and be revengeful. That each of us may work through this in our own way. Choices and consequences are the lessons to also be taught. We can teach our children that adults will make the important decision to take proper actions to protect our country and others around the world. Most importantly, that this will be done out of choice and not in an “out of control or “hotheaded” manner.

Highschool children may be treated more adult like and encouraged to discuss their feelings, grief, consequences, etc. This is a very good age to encourage those who want to take action and do something helpful to volunteer in some way. Perhaps they may help by visiting an elementary or middle school and spending time with younger children who need reassurance. The simplest reassurance may be to go for a walk and talk about familiar things, people and activities. They may be encouraged to remember that as Americans we are encouraged to debate our ideas and express our feelings. Prehaps, even more importantly we must be tolerant of those with whom we disagree. Repeated discussion of such horrible events is not necessary. After a crisis, it helps to know that the world will normalize and life will continue.